A Long Road

If this was my adaptation of The Pursuit Of Happiness there would be a full frame of me facing the a sunset. As the camera would slowly pan  around me you would see the smile on face. As that happens, you can hear my voice -over saying “This part of my life, this little part is called closure”. I’d take a deep breathe and walk off. Cue music and closing credits. Yo Spike Lee, Steve McQueen and Gary F. Gray better watch out I’m coming with vision. Anyway, sometimes growth showcases itself in ways that make you happy and proud of yourself.

Yesterday was that day for me. I wrote out my resignation and said what I wanted to say in a respectful and still direct way. I have been more than vocal when it comes to what has been going on there as of late even as I knew since January I had no intention on being there the whole month of March. I know what is going on isn’t just happening to me, it’s a department issue, hell it’s the whole building, so speaking up was the right thing to do in general. As I printed out what I wrote there was such a good feeling in my soul. There were so many foul ways I had planned on leaving things but that doesn’t amount to much and if anything makes me look like an asshole. Not that I mind or care how people see me but I’ve learned a long time ago to kill people with kindness.

Later that day while getting pet food I saw my ex, and that was a moment I had played out meaning times in my head. None of the mental simulations I played out in my head were calm, cool, collected or good. When I saw her and there was a pause on her part and a split second where she wanted to open her arms and have a hug and smile moment followed by a “how are you?” I stared and nodded. That made her movement awkward and pass her “HI” nothing was said. It felt good not to say any of things I felt I should’ve said. Truth is I’m not mad at her, I wasn’t hurt when slow death of what we had came to a stop. I never tried to reach out and say anything to her, there aren’t many times I even speak on her. The last seven years of my life has been a crazy ride and all I can do is hope when I get to where I’m going things look nothing like this. My ex is included in that streak of bad luck and throwing hurtful words to her wouldn’t even begin to fix things or change the past. It happened, it’s over and I’m moving on with life like she is. So yeah, the look and nod while walking off is the best way to let that go. It sums up my feelings of how things should be, we’re cool but I have nothing to say to her about anything.

I’m in a good place and have been since last April. Life is too short to hold grudges and that’s easier said and read than an actual rule to live by. I’m trying to live by that more so now because I could easily take the bitterness I have gain due to the bad taste being in KC has given me and let it cloud my view on things at my new location. I know I have changed in ways that are not good and that doesn’t mean I can’t let go. I’ve started letting go once the new year came in, I feel this is a year of change for me so I’m getting back to being the me that I used to be. It wasn’t all bad here in KC but it was bad enough but they say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I feel much better after yesterday and truly feel next month will be the beginning of a good life that can only get better.

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